If all I managed today was to get out of my bed, would you still be proud?
I envy those people who have accomplished many things at this time, or those who have concrete plans for their lives, knowing what they aspire to be in the future or who they want to become. How do they manage such weighty decisions when here I am, struggling to even get out of bed every morning?
Why does it seem so effortless to handle for others, yet when it comes to me, it becomes a struggle?
I feel like the world is moving too fast, and I am being left behind. What if I can’t meet the world’s standards and it abandons me? What will I become? Where will I end up? These questions always haunt me.
Perhaps it’s a trauma response for me to constantly fear that everything in this world will eventually leave me behind. I pressure myself to the utmost to prove that I am capable of achieving what others have accomplished in this lifetime. Yet in the end, I eventually admit that I can’t. That I’m not as strong as I thought I was.
Would it be okay if I have weaknesses? If I am not as good as others? If, at this point in my life, I am not as productive as they are? Will you still be proud?
I don’t know when I’ll wake up and find that getting up in the morning is no longer hard and burdensome for me. All I know is that I am trying to take steps to pull myself out of the darkness I’ve experienced my whole life, one step at a time.
The smallest steps forward are the bravest ones taken, for they symbolize the silent battles in my mind, the heavy weight in my heart, and the burdens I carry throughout this lifetime.
I hope you know that during those times, I didn’t want to stay in the same bed I woke up in every day.
All I desired was for someone to say, ‘I am proud of you for getting up today,’ and make life feel easier to live again.