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Granny's P.I.
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Eli Miller
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February 10, 2023
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Granny's P.I.
Two old ladies must find a way to get a heavy murder victim back to the lab.
Eli Miller
PRO
February 10, 2023
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Transcript
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Doris: We can’t just put the poor dead in the
trunk
Doris: Heaven forbid someone gets the idea we’re behind this.
Francine: Well Shoot, Doris-
Francine: I didn’t turn off my program,
Francine: search half the county for some corpse,
Francine: drag him up and down these hills,
Francine: Just to leave him on the side of the
road!
Francine: Just to leave him on the side of the
road!
Doris: I didn’t say we were going to leave him
on the side of the road,
Doris: I just don’t think we want a body in
the trunk.
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Francine: We?
Francine: You mean YOU, don’t want to put him in
the trunk-
Francine: I DO want to put him in the trunk.
Francine: I assumed that was the plan, when you said-
Francine: “Let’s find the body,
Francine: “and bring it back to Marty at the morgue.”
Doris: I suppose we don’t have many other options…
Francine: Of course we don’t have any other options.
Francine: We can dry clean your seat covers once we
crack the case.
Francine: Now help me lift this sucker.
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Doris: Ohhh!
Doris: He ate just a few too many pieces of
pecan pie.
Francine: Quit your moanin’!
Francine: We need some momentum.
Francine: Swing with me, we’ll toss him on three.
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Francine: One!
Francine: Two!
Doris: He’s Slipping!
Doris: He’s Slipping!
Francine: Three-
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Doris: My nylons!
Francine: I’ll tell you what, if he wasn’t dead before,
Francine: He sure is now!
Doris: Francine!
Doris: Show some respect!
Francine: I’ll pay my respects later!
Francine: Heck, I’ll buy him a bouquet of Zellias with
the reward money, put it on his grave!
Francine: We’ll figure that out later..
Francine: Now go over there, I’ve got an idea.
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Francine: Here goes nothing!
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Doris: Got him!
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Doris: Son of a biscuit, and cover it in gravy.
Francine: May I remind you, if we go to jail,
Francine: This was all your idea.
Doris: It’ll be fine.
Doris: Let’s just give em’ the old granny Lorain routine.
Francine: You’ve got to be kidding me...
Doris: I don’t need your mouth!
Doris: You know they always buy it.
Doris: Just behave.
Francine: But it’s so degrading…
Doris: Don’t test me!
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Mike: Y’all alright?
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Doris: Thank heavens you’re here!
Doris: We seem to have gotten lost on the way
to our needle point convention!
Doris: You’re the answer to our prayers!
Doris: The sweet Lord sent us an angel in khaki
and leather!
Mike: Is everything okay miss?
Doris: Oh, heavens no sweet child!
Doris: Miss was my mother, call my granny Loraine!
Doris: We’re practically family!
Mike: I’m on duty ma’am, If I can just…
Doris: Of course, of course, you must be starving!
Doris: Lucky for you, no one goes hungry on Granny
Loraines watch.
Doris: Ethel, be a dear and get our friend some
food from the backseat!
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Francine: DID YOU SAY SOMETHING?
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Doris: Sill me, how could I forget!
Doris: She isn’t wearing her hearing aid!
Doris: CAN YOU GET HIM SOMETHING TO EAT FROM THE
BACKSEAT!
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Francine: PUT SOME MEAT IN THE TRACK CLEATS?
Doris: GET HIM SOME FOOD FROM THE BACK SEAT!
Francine: Oh..
Francine: Absolutely!
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Mike: Listen Lady, let’s cut to the chase.
Mike: It looked like you and your sister were putting
something fishy in the trunk.
Mike: Let me take a look, and I’ll be on
my way.
Doris: Oh, that was nothing!
Doris: Just a bag of tools to patch up a
flat!
Mike: I thought you said you two were lost?
Mike: You expect me to believe the two of you
could change a tire all by yourselves?
Doris: You kids and your jokes!
Doris: If you can point us our way on a
map,
Doris: We can let you be on your way,
Doris: And we will be on ours…
Mike: I’d be happy to help you,
Mike: right after I take a look in the back.
Doris: That really won’t be necessary!
Doris: I haven’t even shown you my grandkids!
Doris: And look, a kitty!
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Mike: Ma’am, that’s a raccoon.
Mike: Now please move!
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Doris: Heaven have mercy on my soul!
Doris: What’s a man doing sleeping in our station wagon!
Doris: Ethel, do you know this man!
Francine: YOU’RE RIGHT!
Francine: HE COULD USE A TAN!
Mike: Cut the crap!
Mike: You two are under arrest, you have the right
to..
Mike: Right to…
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Doris: Francine!
Doris: He’s died of shock!
Francine: No!
Francine: While you were using the Granny Loraine routine!
Francine: While you were using the Granny Loraine routine!
Francine: I used the sedatives on the lemon bars routine!
Doris: We’re private detectives, not vigilantes!
Francine: He’ll be fine. Besides, they don’t have any evidence
we were ever here!
Francine: We’ve got a murder to solve!
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Doris: And cats to feed…
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